the world is full of pretty things, and it makes me happy.

my school contract is ending this september, and i'll have to decide by june if i were to stay. people have started to ask what my answer would be, and i've been saying i don't know, which is truly what i feel.

different people have different opinions on whether i should stay or go, and i'm asking the Lord to show me the signs.

this may sound silly to you, but the lalang and bamboo along the narrow street outside school seemed to beckon me each morning on my way in. my two favourite grass in the world- and they choose to lie prettily where i pass, it's like a sweet morning hello from the Lord. the sun lit them so perfectly at the morning angle that i cannot help but look.

that makes me happy, and i wonder if they beckon me to stay.

This Cat Fight

i hate the temptress. i wish i could fight her in a match, so i stand a chance in fair play.
but fair is not her game, and i hate her all the more.

i hate it that the whole world believes in her. there is no good thing in her. why, why, do you believe in her? i implore you, will you stop?

i love you, and you love me too. you love me more than i love you too. but why, do you believe in her lies?

there is something wrong with me, she says. i'm not dressed up enough, made up enough. not beautiful enough. i know that that's a lie- but why do you choose to believe in her, and not i?

there must, be something wrong with me, you say. i'm too proud, too principled, inflexible. too idealistic, too stubborn. i love to argue. and that's the reason why no one likes me.

a girl's value diminishes with her age, you say. a girl's happiness depends on who she marry. she tries to say the same thing to me. and i suppose you first heard this idea from her.

more than once, when she was negligent, he took the chance to tell me over and over about the truth in value. that we are valuable simply because we are beautifully and wonderfully made; that our worth does not increase because of what we have: our contributions, abilities, specialties, achievements, power, wealth, appearance, youth, or marriage. neither will it diminish because of what we don't have: our lack of contribution, our disabilities, failures, shame, poverty, outward flaws, age, or single-hood. it is a value that refuses to change no matter.

but you waved your hand off, and said,"why can't you just be more like me?"

i keep reminding myself that this is a battle between me and her. but why has it so often become a battle between us?

and so i hate her her all the more.

He Replied:

"In quietness and trust, is your strength."

-Isaiah 30:15

O Lord, i'm tired. i always feel like throwing up when that happens. literally. especially after hearing hours of accusations and insults, which were sincerely spurred out of love, and attempts of encouragement. i want to run away and have some peace and quiet. i want to go home and sleep in Your arms. how long will i be stuck in this car, this cycle?

thistles are rising from the ground, and i'm afraid it's slowing creeping into my ears, into my body. i'm afraid that their fears are drummed to become my fears; their concerns, mine.

"Other seed fell among thorns, which grew up and choked the plants."

- Matt 13:7

O Lord, i ask for strength, so I can stand firm, and continue to breathe.

Counting The Distance

If two lovers were cursed to turn their backs on each other forever, by sheer determination, they'd each have to endeavour half of 40,075 kilometres around the earth to see each other face to face.

And if Hou Yi was to join the Apollo missions, he would have travelled 406,700 kilometres to the moon to see Chang 'e.

I like the fact that the greatest distance we know are measured in light years; one light year is equivalent to approximately 10 trillion kilometres. I like it because 'years' reminds me that even though the standard unit of length may be in metres, distance is actually more relevant to us if measured in time.

Assume that the two cursed lovers had no other vehicles but to run across the globe. If they were given superhuman stamina (ie. they need no rest) and ran like an average marathon runner, the man would take 89.5 days to run half the earth's circumference, while the woman would take 102.7 days. If they each had a car and drove an average of 100 km/h, with no rest, they'd only take 8.5 days to meet midpoint on the other side of earth.

Hence, it is more relevant to say that their distance was 8.5 days apart, or 100 days apart; rather than 40,000 kilometres apart.

If another pair of lovers were to stand at an arm's length- a comfortable distance where their hands are intertwined, I'd say that they are zero seconds apart from each other. But if one of their love had gone cold beneath that facade, their distance would feel further than the largest physical distance conceivable.

The largest conceivable distance of any sort, I think, is death.

I don't mean the distance between one who's living and one who's dead; I mean death, that brings about the distance between heaven and hell.

If I were a cursed lover with my back stiffly turned, I am hopeful that I can cross half the earth in time to come. If I were holding a hand whose favour upon me is no more, I can remain hopeful for reconciliation in time to come. Even if a loved one were to die, I bear the hope that I'll see that person after life- which would not pose a problem if we are both in heaven, or in hell I guess.

The most dreadful distance, and most terrible, therefore, is when two persons are placed separately in heaven and in hell, beyond light years, and in all eternity.

Happy New Year 2012! =D

Come mid-february, i'll officially be back for t.w.o. years! :) time flies.

the Lord has brought me lower from the eighth floor so that I'll be more grounded, and so i can smell the after-rain better.

i haven't thought of any new year resolutions, and i'm not sure if i'm making any. but i'd like to share some little notes that were saved but went unpublished throughout 2011.

1. When My Wisdom Tooth Grew

"God, can we please have mashed potatoes in school today? Chewing is terrible." and voila. mashed potatoes it is! served that very day. i think the last time i saw mashed potatoes in the canteen was a year before that.

2. When I Drive

I hate driving to get myself fined. But I love driving to suddenly catch streams of brown leaves fall quietly like in the movies, right in front of my windshield.

3. When I Sing

In 2010, I took a whole year to read Jeremiah, the weeping prophet. when i finished that, i thought that the time of weeping for me is over. and hence it is time to sing. and i started reading psalms. that's why you'd notice that most of the blog posts in 2011 are in songs. but it turned out that i didn't stop weeping that year.

and that's okay.

Be patient, He says, the time of no death, mourning, crying or pain is yet to come.

4. When I'm Dissatisfied

"If I find myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world."

- CS Lewis

5. When Tiles Are Smooth

She told me to be careful when I walk because the tiles are too smooth.

TOO smooth? and you'd think that smooth is good. smooth sailing is very good. but too-smooth makes us fall. Better that the tiles are rough. we will have a firmer walk in life with rough patches.

6. When Shopping Pales In Comparison

A friend once asked if she could visit my hometown.

Sure, I said, but there's nothing there.

That's not true! She said. There are people there. And people are the most important.

Hence, I've decided that the next time I travel, it shouldn't be for shopping madness. but to enjoy the Lord's creation, and most importantly, to meet the people.

7. When I'm Blessed

The Lord pampers me, I know. He pampers me with mashed potatoes and falling leaves; with a family that loves me, and with friends who are like-minded. But His pampering is most obvious when He brought me to Singapore just to show me who He is. And now that I've known, He brought me back so I can show others here.

"The God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."

- Romans 15:13

"Blessed is the people whose God is the LORD."

- Psalm 144: 15b

i haven't thought of any new year resolutions, and I'm not sure if i'm making any. but i think i'd like to continue singing.

"I belong to you. This is my call, to sing melodies of You, and I can do nothing else."

- Sixpence None The Richer

"There is no one else for me. None but Jesus. Crucified to set me free. Now I live to bring Him praise. When You call, help me not to delay. This, my song through all my days."

- Hillsong United

Blessing in Disguise

I love the smell of an after-rain. :)

If you're like me and is curious to know how that smell is produced, here's an answer from HowStuffWorks:

"As it turns out, the smells people associate with rainstorms can be caused by a number of things. One of the more pleasant rain smells, the one we often notice in the woods, is actually caused by bacteria! Actinomycetes, a type of filamentous bacteria, grow in soil when conditions are damp and warm. When the soil dries out, the bacteria produces spores in the soil. The wetness and force of rainfall kick these tiny spores up into the air where moisture after a rain acts as an aerosol (just like an aerosol air freshener). The moist air easily carries the spores to us so we breathe them in. These spores have a distinctive, earthy smell we often associate with the rainfall. The bacteria is extremely common and can be found in areas all over the world, which accounts for the universality of this sweet "after-the-rain" smell. Since the bacteria thrives in moist soil but releases the spores once the soil dries out, the smell is most acute after a rain that follows a dry spell, although you'll notice it to some degree after most rainstorms."

The wetness. and force. of rainfall kick! these tiny spores up into the air.

How apt. Just like how we need to be kicked hard and cold so that we can bounce right up and high.

The smell is most acute after a rain that follows a dry spell.

And how we shall bounce most high after a long period of drought, of lacking, nothingness. senselessness.

"What if Your blessings come through raindrops

What if Your healing comes through tears

What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near

What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise"

- Blessings, Laura Story